OCT 20 2019 | Son of Anarchy S1E4 | Triangle of Poison

Sea Change Church · Son of Anarchy · "Triangle of Poison" Pastor Adam Stadtmiller · October 20, 2019
Automated transcript. Not reviewed for accuracy.

Hello again. So, I'm Spencer, in case you had a goldfish memory. This is my wife, Michelle. Hi, I'm Michelle. So, today, continuing Son of Anarchy series, episode four, Triangle of Poison. We'll be reading out of 2 Samuel. Look at it, it's like 13, 37 through 39, 14, 1, 3, 21 through 24, 28. So, Adam is picking out the kind of hot sections of, you know, activity. Yeah. So, read along on your own time, and you'll be able to, like, read the passage in its entirety.

So, we're just going to be focusing on the chunks with action in it. So, we'll start with 13, 37. Absalom fled and went to Telmai, son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. But King David mourned many days for his son. After Absalom fled and went to Geshur, he stayed there three years. And King David longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Amnon's death. And Joab, son of Zeriah, knew that the king's heart longed for Absalom.

So, Joab sent someone to Tekoa, and he had a wise woman brought from there. He said to her, pretend you are in mourning. Dress in mourning clothes, and don't use any cosmetic lotions. Act like a woman who has spent many days grieving for the dead. Then go to the king and speak to him these words. And Joab put the words in her mouth. The king said to Joab, very well, I will do it. Go bring back the young man Absalom. Joab fell with his face to the ground to pay him honor and bless the king.

Joab said, today your servant knows that he has found favor in your eyes, my lord the king. Because the king has granted his servant's request. Then Joab went to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem. But the king said, he must go to his own house. He must not see my face. So Absalom went to his own house and did not see the king's face. Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king's face. Then Absalom sent for Joab in order to send him to the king.

But Joab refused to come look at him. So he sent a second time, but he refused to come. Then he said to his servants, look, Joab's field is next to mine and he has barley there. Go and set it on fire. So Absalom's servant set the field on fire. Then Joab did go to Absalom's house and he said to him, why have your servant set my field on fire? Absalom said to Joab, look, I sent word to you and said, come here so I can send you to the king and ask, why have I come from Geshur?

It would be better for me if I were still there. Now then I want to see the king's face and if I am guilty of anything, let him put me to death. So Joab went to the king and told him this. Then the king summoned Absalom and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom, the word of the Lord. Welcome to church. I hope you're enjoying it. God is doing some pretty awesome stuff in this community.

And from the Jesus Fish Fest, which thousands of people will see the name of Jesus on the beach in PB. And we're excited about that. The city still gives us a permit to do that, which is awesome. To having kids up here leading you through worship and that next generation and all these awesome missionaries that we're dealing with. And working alongside. It's very exciting to be part of the movement of God on this corner.

And we're really thankful of those that went before us to give us this corner to be here. We are continuing on in the series of coming into the end of David's life. We've been in David's life for about a year and a half. Doing these episodic six to eight weeks. About every 12 weeks we do one. And we talk about what happened in the life of David. And there's been a lot of the emotional component and familial component in David's life.

And really practically what I want to help us do as a family, as a church, as a church family. And as families, because all of you are a part of a family, I assume. And the reason is to get better and look at the scripture as a mirror on how we get better at doing family ourselves. And so now we are in the son of anarchy. And David has had this son, Absalom, if you've been following the story. Who's very manipulative.

Who was basically an abandoned son. The scripture even said that you would be hated if you were not disciplined. And David was a father who could never discipline his children. And we've talked a lot about that. I won't rehash that. But he ends up taking justice, Absalom does, in his own hands and killing his brother Amnon for a violation against Absalom's sister. Which was Amnon's half-sister. He kills, Absalom kills Amnon and runs away.

David doesn't do anything about it. Usually when David is, even say anything about it. Usually when David is offended. David will chase you down like an angry bear. He is really good at finding his enemies, the enemies of God. And he chases them down and executes judgment. He does none of this with his family. He has no consequence of any kind. And he never says a word. And so what this does is this opens up David's family to have other actors come into the family.

And to begin to have other actors come alongside the relationship. And what is classically known in psychology day is triangulation. Maybe you've heard about it. Triangulation is when somebody else comes in to fill a void in a family to perhaps try and mediate. But instead of doing healthy mediation, they begin to use tools like manipulation, like power, like influence, gossip, whatever it would be. Shaming or whatever in order to affect the relationship.

And it gives the third person who was a party to the other two people in the relationship or the family a whole lot of power. Joab is this guy. Now this is the first time we've spoken about Joab. And Joab is a really interesting and unique character in the scripture. I'm not sure if he's a good guy or a bad guy. But everything he does isn't great. He is definitely a Zionist. He is definitely a nationalist of Israel and cares a lot about Israel.

He is David's sister's son. So he is David's nephew and actually becomes the general of David's army. He does this through a heroic act because David says if any person will go do this heroic act, and I think it was attack the Philistines, then I will make you the general of my armies. Now David had done the same thing for the hand of Michael, Saul's daughter, where it was in the past if you do this heroic thing for me, whoever can do the heroic thing will get some kind of reward.

This ends up biting David, and David doesn't actually end up wanting Joab, because Joab begins to get involved in his affairs. And sometimes for good, one time he saves the nation altogether. At the end of this story, Joab comes to David after Absalom has been killed. Joab actually kills Absalom after he's been killed. And actually he needed to be killed because he was an enemy of David trying to take the kingdom. And David didn't want him harmed.

He was going to allow him to be there. And Joab knew this was a bad thing, probably for David, but he also knew it was a bad thing for Israel. Early on in the story, it seems like Joab is really concerned with David. He knows David is mourning his son. He seems to be mourning the son Absalom, who killed his other son, more than he's actually mourning Amnon. There is one small mention of Amnon being consoled because of Amnon's death.

But David has this really unique, dysfunctional relationship with Absalom. And it actually, I think you'll see it, if you've seen the Lord of the Rings, Denethor is a king who has a son, Boromir. And Boromir dies, and they actually show this, actually where the king has this really dysfunctional relationship and actually abandons all of his other sons. Faramir, if you've read the story, is a really righteous son. And the king actually abandons him because he cares so much about this one son who actually ends up redeeming himself.

But nonetheless, it's through a dysfunctional relationship. And in families, oftentimes, you will see parents raise a love or a care or a concern for one child over another. And let me say, you can't hide that. But the kids will know who has the blessing and who has the favor. And in order to, you know, obviously that's a different topic, but this is something that was going on in that family. Joab wanted to fix that.

He wanted to come in, and for good or for bad, he wanted to make a difference. And so in this story, he goes and he actually sends someone to the king. And we're going to talk about this. We'll see it here in a second. But he sends this woman to the king to put on this story. And this happens with David a bunch of times. Remember when Nathan comes to David? And he actually tells a story. Because no one ever talks straight to David, right?

That's a problem, by the way. If you are in a leadership position or in a leadership position in your family or your children speak to you as a parent and they can never speak straight to you, that's an issue. No one ever speaks straight to David. And so when Nathan comes to him to talk about Bathsheba, he says, imagine there was, he actually, you know, I don't know if he lies, but he says there was a man and he had this little ewe lamb and somebody who was powerful took the ewe lamb and killed the ewe lamb and now he doesn't have the ewe lamb anymore.

And David's like, okay, we're going to kill that man. He needs to have, you know, be taken out for doing this incredibly horrific act. And then Nathan, what does he say to him? You're the man. It's like, oh, all of a sudden. Okay. So that story wasn't really true. We use that story as a bridge to say what we wanted to say. I think we need to be really careful in our relationships. This is just a practical point to be able to say what you need to say when you need to say it and to say it directly without having to have some story about a ewe lamb.

This is the same thing that happens here because Joab, no one can go to David. He has inculcated himself in the emperor's new clothes, so to speak, where no one can ever speak to him. And some of us enjoy that position. It's a position of safety. Maybe you're a rager. Maybe you're silent treatment. We all have our little bat belt of things. Remember Batman back in the original series. Whenever he was in a fix, you know, he would find something in the bat belt.

He always had something in the bat belt to get him out of that. Dysfunctional people tend to have bat belts, emotional bat belts, and they will find whatever it works. And if you're ever in a relationship with somebody, and all of a sudden they come and they're upset, and you use healthy boundaries to speak to them and say, well, I'm sorry you're upset and whatever, well, if they find that that doesn't work, then maybe they'll try guilt.

And then so all of a sudden you'll see them shift from like anger to guilt, and they'll start guilting you. And you'll be like, well, I'm really not going to accept that guilt, but I want to listen to you. And so, okay, that doesn't work. Okay, so I'm going to cry now. So now I'm going to cry. Okay, well, I'm really sorry you're sad, and I want to listen, and whatever. Well, that's not working. Okay, well, then I'm going to yell.

Whatever it is. It's like when you see a person shifting from emotion to emotion, oftentimes it's to manipulate the situation. This is what is going on here, and this is what triangulation is. Triangulation in the family model or in the work model, because you'll see it at work, an HR director, I've seen that before, with an employee and a boss, and the person will go to them. So triangulation usually means that the people in the relationship can't say what needs to be said directly or feel unempowered to be able to say it.

Now, you'll know that if that's in your family. And there's a difference between mediation and wise counsel from somebody, which the Bible speaks about, which is really important. We'll talk about that in a moment. And manipulation. Triangulation always has a measure of manipulation involved in it. And about a third of the counseling that I do, and I don't do a lot of counseling anymore, but about a third of it has to do with some other family member coming in and being a part of a relationship where they have a business to support and to pray and to be there and to be a part of it in so many ways, but they really have no business coming in and trying to take dominance over the situation and cause an outcome that they desire.

One of the reasons that we didn't move in with my parents, Carrie's parents, and they are amazing people. I wouldn't move in with any of my parents when I first got married. Now, unless I had to. Sometimes that's a blessing and a grace. But we actually had the offer to do it. And one of the things that we didn't, because it would have been a really big financial gain for us in our early 20s, is there was a big deal about leaving and cleaving that we really wanted to do well and to move out of that system and to have a break.

Here we see Joab coming in and being that triangulative person, if that's a word. He's a person that comes in and tries to make things happen. You'll see here in verse 14, verse 1, it says, Joab, son of Zariah, that's David's sister, knew that the king's heart longed for Absalom. Well, it seems like he cares then. It seems like a big deal. And a lot of really dysfunctional stuff comes from a good place. Just because it comes from a good place doesn't mean it can't be the wrong thing.

Just because it comes from a good heart, and a lot of times the people that are manipulating for one good reason or another, for whatever they do it, it can come from an amazing place. It can come from the best place ever. It doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Just because the origin comes from Jerusalem, or the origin comes from a city of gold, doesn't mean that it is the right action. There is a difference between manipulation, and there is a difference between that and counsel and mediation.

We'll talk about that in a moment. So Joab's son of Zariah knew that the king's heart longed for Absalom. So Joab sent someone to Tekoa, and had a wise woman brought to them from there. He said to her, Key word here, right? Pretend. Not a great word. We'll talk about that in a moment. You're in mourning. Dress in mourning clothes, and don't use any cosmetic lotions. Act like a woman who has spent many days grieving for the dead.

Then go to the king and speak these words to her. And what? Joab put words in her mouth. Be very careful that we're not putting words in people's mouth, even in our children. And if you are a children's mouth, and even if you are a parent, staying out of your children's marriages in a negative way that causes manipulation, no matter how much you care, is probably a healthy thing. But you want to dive in in regard to prayer.

My mom, when I was living in the street, not in the streets, but down in PB, started a prayer group when she decided, I'm going to stop meddling in my son's life. And she started to meddle on a spiritual plane. She got a group of women, probably the most effective thing she ever did, because my life got real miserable after that, and started praying that every time I did something, something negative would happen to me, that actually happened.

Go down to your notes. David was a man of many weapons, but lacked the tools to heal the emotional strife in his own family. Weapons versus tools. We don't want to use weapons in our family unless they are not the weapons of this world. We want to use the heavenly weapons, it says in the scripture, I believe it's in Ephesians or Galatians, but in the epistles, it says the weapons of our warfare are not of this world, but spiritual weapons that can bring down what?

Strong holds. If you are a parent, or if you are a meddler, and you get a lot of your self-worth from meddling, you see that in churches a lot. It doesn't work here in this church currently, in this environment, because generally, we have a pretty healthy group of people who are leading that I've tried to surround myself with, that if you go to them and say, hey, I got this thing, you know, Pastor Harry, I just, you know, that hair is just crazy, and I just need to talk to you about it, will you go talk to me about that, because it's scaring the children.

And I will say to you, you need to go have that conversation with Harry, I will not be having that conversation with him, although I have had it personally, you need to have your own. Nonetheless, David lacked the tools to heal the emotional strife, but he was a man of many weapons. Real quick, and let's just make it about you, let's not make it about your mother-in-law anymore. Are you using weapons or tools, and when you do use weapons, which weapons are you using?

You know, once again, silent treatment, manipulation, this is just all a waste of time. It destroys family, family, anger, rage. I've been calling myself out on this, since this sermon series started. You get to that crossroads, you're like, I'm going to be silent guy. Yeah, I'm going to be, I will be silent guy for a while, you know, and, or, you know, like I said, you know, last week, I just get, the decibel level, when I clean the kitchen, just goes up a little bit.

Boom, you know what I mean? You know, you know that dad's cleaning the kitchen, when we've had a disagreement. I want to get away from all that. It's not functional. It's a waste of my life. I'm using weapon or tools. Continuing on, this is ultimately a failure of familial leadership. Now, this is key. When there is a failure of familial leadership, and this is definitely true for society, I believe all, really, all, I believe a high percentage, let's just say that, of our issues that we see in society, go back to the family model.

They go back to having discipline in the family, to having strong family, parents, structures, fathers, mothers in a family, they can make a difference, divorce, all these things. When there's a failure of familial leadership, others will often, and I put often, I had always, but I changed it to often, rush in to fill the vacuum. That, when there is a failure of relationship, especially familial relationship, others will rush in.

In the worst case scenario, the state will rush in. In other situations, the school districts are oftentimes, you know, thank God they have, you know, great hearts and want to do things, but the school system, and the school district, is there to teach my kids math, not how to be, you know, a young woman. The school district is there, to teach them educational skills, and, you know, these other things, but when it comes to raising children, I'm not asking them to raise my kids.

I'm not, you know, I appreciate the help of the church, but in the end, the church is not raising my children either. I am raising my children, my wife and I are raising our children, and when there is a void, and there is a lack of familial leadership, other people will rush in. Family rushes in as well, and this is what Joab does. Joab rushes in, to fix something that's broke, because David doesn't have the tools, and no one will speak to David.

You know, it's interesting, when, you know, I ask myself in relationships sometimes, if I'm in a relationship with somebody, for a very long time, and they never confront me on anything, that doesn't mean like, just normal church people, you know, but if I'm in a deep relationship, you know what I'm saying, like on a regular basis, we're working out hard things, we're serving together, we're in the trenches together, and they never ever bring anything up to me, like hey, that offended me, that was a problem, that actually causes me some concern, in the relationship, to actually have to, maybe have a conversation of like, hey, do I ever offend you?

Like, you know what I mean, to have this conversation, because sometimes, I understand that my personality, I've had enough strong people in my life, to tell me, that my personality, will cause certain people, just not to approach me on things, just because whether you're confident, or whether you're six foot four, or whatever it is, or you know, got great hair, or, no I'm just kidding, you know, you have to find, you want to have people, that can speak straight to you, you know, whether it be Harry, whether it be Chris Harrell, I was talking to Chris this week, and I said something, and she goes, you know what, I don't think I'm going to, she didn't say that, actually she goes, I'm not going to receive that, she didn't say I don't think, she said I'm not going to receive that, and I had to think, and I thought you know what, I shouldn't have said that, I appreciate that in a relationship, that somebody who is a staff member, who feels like they might, their job might be dependent, on how I think about them, or whatever, will say to you, she actually said, because she always calls me pastor, like singular, pastor I'm not going to accept that, and I thought, well that's actually good stuff, I like that, it actually makes me feel a lot safer, when people are willing to do that, I see Joe smirking over there, he's already, crafting his email right now, I love Joe man, triangulation of relationship, Joab was David's nephew, who though valiant in service military, became a general, of David's army, he also was eventually, kills Absalom, and actually, David puts a hit out on him, on the end of his life, and tells Solomon, do not let Joab's head, go to the grave, in peace, and he goes, and Joab throws himself, on the horns of the altar, you're not supposed to be able, to kill anybody, when they throw their hands, on the altar, and Solomon says, go in there, and strike him down, at the altar, which was actually, I believe against the law, at the time, and Joab was killed, by Solomon, David's son, so David, David definitely had, an anger issue, and a revenge issue, that he did not, that he never sorted out, we talked about anger, last week, Joab takes it upon himself, to reconcile the relationship, between David and Absalom, who is taking the responsibility, to reconcile relationships, now I believe, we should all be de-escalators, I believe that we should all be, into the business, of reconciliation, but once again, are we manipulating, or are we having, healthy counsel, going to two people, in your family, and saying, look, I know there's a disagreement here, and I would like to offer, that I can sit, and be a part of that, and maybe have that conversation, maybe as a family, we can have that conversation, would both of you, be open to that, if they say no, get out, and begin to pray, or whatever it is, but having healthy, letting them know your motives, of what you're trying to do, do you see how Joab, didn't let David know, what he was doing, Joab sends some woman, he puts words in her mouth, he does all this weird stuff, and starts manipulating, and controlling, this is a great, this happens in families, all the time, especially with mother-in-laws, father-in-laws, dads that can't let their daughter, go, that have a hard time, letting someone else, become their husband, you know, continuing to have dad, you know, I don't want to say that, but we need to be careful, as parents, I'm really thinking about, what kind of parent, I'm going to be, beginning to pray for the man, that will be alongside, the men that will be, alongside my daughters, and how I want to see them, like sons, but when I'm done, I'm still going to be, a friend, and a mentor, and a parent in a way, but I have to let them go, and I'm going to dance that dance, at the wedding, whatever, and cry, and I'm a crier, so I'm going to cry, but really thinking, I need to have healthy boundaries, and I can't come in, and rescue her from a husband, on a regular basis, now there's, are situations where, I've seen dads have to come in, and rescue their daughters, because they got some really lame husbands, that are abusive, and then if that needs to happen, then trust me, that'll happen, so, but, you know, just that idea of, I don't want to be involved, and especially in the church, it is interesting, we want to stay in our own lane, and if we're going to have a conversation, with somebody, we want to have a healthy conversation, moving on now, what was Joab's motive, the motive, I put, to fix it, whether it was because he loves Israel, whether it was because he loves the king, was made irrelevant, because of the means, of manipulation, the motive, was made irrelevant, think about that, a lot of times, people lean on their motive, and they erase, the, the way in which they did it, they believe, that because of their motive, that that purifies anything that they do, they'd be really careful with that, he says pretend, in the notes, you'll see it says, he says act like, it says he put words in her mouth, I don't want to put words in anybody's, anybody's mouth, I don't mind giving people counsel, we'll talk about that in a moment, few things, like I said, have the power to destroy a family, like the inability to communicate directly, clearly, and with love, this is such a powerful tool, team, I mean as families, to be able, in relationships, especially in dating relationships, I love the men, that I've counseled, who are single, who date women, and you know, within a couple dates, they just say, hey I just want to be really clear, about my intentions, that these floating dudes, that kind of just float forever, and are never clear, and are we dating, are we not dating, are we never, you know, like I don't want to have the conversation, every week either by the way, you know, I don't want to have to have that conversation, every week, but at a certain time, I always decided, I'm not going to waste some woman's time, because I need the comfortability, of having a plan B, I want to be able to speak directly, this is so important, in relationships, and some of us, don't come from situations, where we've ever seen this before, it's one thing, that I've been really good at, but it's one thing, that I've also been bad at, because I've had to learn, how to do it with gentleness, maybe you're a person, that I am going to speak the truth, and I've said this before, you know, I love brutal honesty, and my mentor said to me, and this is one of the key things, you'll remember from multiple sermons, he said, man I love, you're so honest dude, that's so awesome, people know where they stand, and I've always thought, people enjoyed, you know, they might not like what you say, but at least they know what you said, and I think I would rather, not like what you said, and know what you said, than not sure if I liked it, and not sure what you said, and he said, man I love you dude, you're so awesome, man you were so honest, I'm like yeah I'm honest man, that's awesome, this is a great conversation, I have more coffee, tell me how great I am, you're honest, I said I love your brutal honesty, I said thank you, he goes you know what your honesty also is, he goes brutal, I was like, that's not great, I think I'm done, that gentleness, gentleness is a big deal, I'm working so hard, on gentleness, because it just wasn't, modeled for me, gentleness wasn't modeled, we got up in the morning, my parents got up in the morning, got up and kicked butt, you know, took care of business, that's what we did, you know, my mom's had how many cancers, she gets cancer more than the common cold, like you know what I mean, she's had cancer so many times, and God has healed her over and over again, but she gets out of bed, goes to her radiation treatments, that's what the model I grew up with, we can just get her done, having gentleness is super important, by the way, some of you guys know, my mom is in remission, which is great, so she goes, yeah right, two more, been taking her to those radiation treatments, we got two more of those, and there's a ministry there, just go sit up at the UCSD radiation center, you got some ministry going on there, but being able to say what you need to say, few things have the power to destroy, here's triangulation, I got this out of, off the internet, is a manipulation tactic, where one person will not communicate directly, with another person, instead using a third person, to relay communication to the second, thus forming a triangle, now you remember junior high, right, hey, go tell Holly that I like her, or, I'm going to tell you that I like Holly, but, I know you're going to tell her, but I don't really want you to tell her, and then they go tell Holly, I'm in the world of that right now, because my daughter's in middle school, and it's like, the new thing is like, spill the tea, have you heard that, you know, you got some tea to spill, so we get home, my daughter, we're like, spill the tea, what happened at school today, so, so is so and so like so and so, what's happening, but there's all this, it's not even triangulation, it's like, some form of geometry, that I don't even understand, it's like, just crazy, it looks like the death star, if you were to put it on a linear, you know, says, thus forming a triangle, it also refers to, a form of splitting, in which one person, manipulates a relationship, between two parties, by controlling communication, between them, lot of power being that person, lot of power in that relationship, and one of the things, you might need to do, no matter what the cost, is if you are in a relationship, and you've allowed somebody to do that, say, you know what, I want to ask forgiveness, because I've allowed you to do this, but I think I just need to take it from here, I don't feel like I'm being an adult, or whatever you want to say, I want to grow in this area, I need to grow, so I'm going to ask, that in this relationship, you'll just let me, I just want to set a boundary here, and I want you to pray for me, and whatever, but you know, I think there's certain times, where having somebody outside of the situation, is the best person to have in the situation, as we come in for a landing, you're going to see that that's true, wise counsel, as we continue on, it says, Proverbs 26, 17, a person who is passing, by, and medals in a quarrel, that is not his or hers, is like one who grabs a dog by the ears, yeah, I go to the dog park a lot, I don't want to do that, counsel, now here's counsel versus triangulation, because there's a big difference, Proverbs 13, 10, through insolence, comes nothing but strife, but wisdom is with those, who receive counsel, counsel is a way different deal, counsel is you going to someone, not to vent, I was getting an acai bowl, up in Encinitas the other day, my mom and I, after her treatment, we go to lunch, we go get something, so we're sitting there, having a, I'm introducing her to acai, and she went in, she goes, I'd like an acacia bowl, and the guy's all, I gotcha, I think that's a poisonous plant actually, but nonetheless, probably has some healing qualities, and so, we got our acacia bowls, and we're sitting there, and there was a lady on the phone, and she was, and you ever have like talker, loud talker voice, and there was a courtyard up there, if you've ever been there, and she's just venting, I mean just, it actually kind of ruined our time, because she was, it was so loud, and so much venting, sometimes when I'm in counseling with people, sometimes they just need you to hear them, and we need to be a voice, we need to listen, but we need to be careful, that when we're seeking counsel, that we're actually seeking counsel, and not just calling to vent, or to perhaps strengthen, strengthen, to create allies, seeking counsel, is not trying to create allies, and I've been guilty of that, in the past, I remember in some other situations, where I had some people upset at me, I was my youth pastor early on, I had a couple of leaders upset with me, so I immediately went to a whole bunch, of other leaders, and started talking, and it was just a form of manipulation, in order to get enough power, and control, you see that in churches all the time, seeking honest godly counsel, is not trying to get allies, you actually only have to have one ally, that ally is God, and if God is on your side, trust me, allies will come to your side, and you don't need to form, dysfunctionally, a whole group of other allies, find someone out of the situation, that has no stake in the game, one of the best people, to get counsel from, is someone that has no stake in the game, a lot of times people will come to me, and they'll want me to arbitrate, their differences at a church, I don't mind if both people, are here and like, hey we want, we're moving in this direction, and we want to get better, and move on, then I want to be a part of that, but it actually, I have a stake in the game, I love you both, I know you really well, I actually have a guy, who mentors me, he's at another church, he's up in Carlsbad, we only a couple people, know him that I know, we have a relationship, and so I call him on a regular basis, and I will just ask him, what about this, when I was going through difficult times before, at my other church, I could ask this person, that had no interest, that is one of the, if you're going to get counsel from people, one of the best things you can do, is find a godly wise person, it says that, that Joab, called a wise woman, I actually question, whether she was that wise, allowing herself to get involved, in this issue, but called a wise woman, went to another city, and so I would say, do you have any wise counselors, that have no stake in the game, often times we don't want wise counselors, that have, that don't want to have a stake in the game, why, because we want them to have a stake in the game, we don't want them to speak truth to us, we want them to tell us, what we want to hear, we want them to tickle our ears, we want to tell them that, you know, oh yes this person's horrible, yes, oh I totally agree, they never should have done that, and then it's just a big venting session, that actually besmirches people, this is very different, and so there's a difference, between manipulation, triangulation, and godly counsel, the final thing is this, mediation, mediation is very important, and I don't, you know, mediation in the church, and having people, who can come along and mediate, this doesn't mean, that we don't have a third party ever, Christ is our mediator, the Bible actually uses that language, a mediator, is a person, who doesn't have a stake in the game, Carrie and I have our, one of our counselors, I talk about Korean Heinzelman, we go once a month, even if we don't need to go, we go, we think our relationship, is worth the investment, of paying for that, and we go, and we talk through things, and man, she really bugs me, because she's not on either, she's not on my side, definitely, but I love that, she's not on Carrie's side either, having a mediator, we can talk something through, and on occasion, like she'll agree with me, and it feels, doesn't it feel so great, when the counselor agrees, and you're like, yeah, you just want to like, jump up and down, then the whole, maybe you don't, you guys are much more godly, than me, but nonetheless, having a mediator, that can step in, is so important, to fix our quarrels, and maybe you need a mediator, and I want to say, if you're in a relationship, that needs a godly mediator, that cares about a healthy, alkanal win-win, for both of you, that's what we want to be a part of, and especially godly ones, we want to have people, who are mediating our lives, that are actually in the scripture, I don't want to allow, different governmental systems, to mediate my life, Paul actually talks about that, he says, you don't want to do that, you want to have godly people, mediate, but here's the thing, that we need mediated, most of all, 1st Timothy 2, 5, there is one god, and one mediator, between God, and mankind, the man, Christ Jesus, I gotta say, in all of your relational issues, you have a mediator, that you need to speak to, on a regular basis, and if you're not going, to Jesus enough, if you're allowing yourself, to be embroiled, in all these human relationships, but not going to the mediator, that'll go to the father, for you, on your behalf, and actually give you real power, then I want to say, that you need to begin, to think about the way, that you do human relationships, begin to change that, the other thing is this, someone told me this week, last night, that they met three people here, last week, that were not Christians, in the church, well that's really exciting, to see people who are seeking, and coming to our church, who don't know Christ, I want to make sure, that I say this, that human sin, just so you know, because you're seeking, and if you are here, and you're not a Christian, you're seeking, let me just tell you, what we teach, that human sin, separates us from God, and there is no way, that we can be reconciled, with God, there is no other person, there is no way to do it, there is no good works, that do it, only through the mediation, of Jesus Christ, dying on the cross, will we spend eternity, with God, we believe in an eternal hell, and that we were separated, with God, without mediation, and if God is speaking, to your heart right now, and says to you, that hey that's me, I want to be cleared, of the penalty, of the sin, I know the sin, I know I have sin, we do live in a world, that says there is no such thing, as sin, or doesn't want to talk about sin, but if you know, and you say, I carry it every day, on my shoulders, we believe that Jesus, paid the debt for that, and can save you, from your sins, and if you want to know, Jesus Christ, all you have to say, in your heart is Jesus, I will follow, and then stick around, let one of us know, and we will get you rooted, we will get you baptized, and move on, and hopefully try it out, I want to put something, on the sign outside, faith, because if you have been doing it, a whole bunch of different ways, and you haven't found it before, come and experience Jesus now, we want you to know Jesus, and so, I want you to know, that we are a church, that wants you to know Jesus, he is the great mediator, practical application, and we are going to let you bounce, first is this, identify triangulation, in your relationships, and remove yourself, from the triangle, from the triangle, identify triangulation, in your relationships, you might be the triangle, you might be the apex, of that triangle, we want to have, linear relationships, not triangulated relationships, we want to have, a triangle when it comes to Jesus, being an effective mediator, and sometimes that triangle, but if that triangle, is full of manipulation, and you know, venting, and all these other things, that destroy relationships, you have to see, what's going to be on those lines, but ultimately, we would love to speak, to one another, and after we become mediated, Jesus mediates with us, we can actually, it says, go directly, boldly, to the throne of God, so you can still call upon Jesus, but actually, the scripture says, and we love calling upon Jesus, we pray in Jesus name, but if you want, you can go directly, to the father, the scripture says, come boldly, before the throne of God, and so once Jesus mediates, we can actually go directly, because he mediated, for our sins, identify triangulation, relationships work best, when they're linear, be able to say, what needs to be said, number two, educate yourself, on how to have, healthy communication, void of manipulation, I still catch myself, I have a lot, of manipulation tools, I mean, I grew up, with the, I needed to have those, and they were so healthy, for me at the time, they were unhealthy, but it kept me alive, I needed them in school, went to seven different, junior highs, in two years, that's a lot of schools, to change, and you need a lot of, you need to be on your feet, some, you know, there's a bully there, other ones, I don't know, whatever, but it was a lot of changes, and I needed a lot of tools, I work really hard, to be aware, of when I'm doing those things, you know, you can get into a place, where we're so dysfunctional, that we're not even aware, anymore of what we're doing, we want to become aware of this, so finally, educate yourself, on how to have, healthy communication, there's some great books, you can look up, Healing the Shame that Binds You, by Bradshaw, you can also look at, Boundaries, by Henry Cloud, which is a great book, some good stuff, and then finally, take appropriate action, take godly appropriate action, go think through it, what do I need to do, to get linear in my relationships again, what do I need to do, to get linear with my kids, one to one, get linear with my wife, get linear with my small group leader, get linear with my best friend, no more craziness, you see these shows on TV, the housewives of whatever, do the opposite, of whatever you see there, that is a great discipleship tool, to whatever they do, I will do exactly the opposite, check it out, so, take appropriate, action with that, we want to be a healthy church, we want to continue to give boundaries, so that you can be healthy, in your relationships, check out some of our resources, we have a whole counseling page, we want to help you, to be a part of that, and if you want to make a decision, for Jesus, we want to know about it, we want to see you get baptized, would you guys stand, I want to bless you, and then we'll head out, I think my, youth band ghosted me, so, a little bit more training, we got a little more training, coming for the youth band, all right, I know, I know, they weren't supposed to be here anyways, okay, so, all right, if you extend your hand, let me pray over you, and then we're going to send you out, for some food, Jesus, I just want to bless, this church God, we want to know you, we love the story, we love the Bible, God, for those Jesus, who have guilt and shame, that know they have sin in their life, that they would approach you as mediator, and say, I want to follow you, forgive me of my sin, I believe that you're God, and to Jesus, the man Jesus was God, and so, you can do that right now, and accept Christ in your heart, please let me know afterwards, and so I bless you, we send you out now, with new wisdom, new understanding, new care, new hope, new joy, to be a church, that changes the world, on your very corner, so we love you, may the face of God, shine upon you, and all that you do, and may miracles begin to, begin to brew up in your lives, that you will have miracles of faith, and hope, and joy, and to be healed from all things, in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.