JAN 12 2025 | Proverbs: Ancient Wisdom for a Modern World S3E3 | Frenemies

Sea Change Church · JAN 12 2025 | Proverbs: Ancient Wisdom for a Modern World - S3E3: Frenemies
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Automated transcript. Not reviewed for accuracy.

uplift, making life richer and souls stronger. Let's go to verse 12. Actually, I want to start, before we go to verse 12. Go to verse 9. This is a provocative statement. It says two are better than one. It doesn't say two are better than one sometimes. Every so often, two are better than one. It makes a provocative, bold, definitive statement, and it says two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fail, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he fails and has not another to lift him up. Now, obviously, family fulfills this role in so many ways. But friendship shows that this thing is where two people are gathered. It shows it as a thing that is necessary, and it's God created us to be in community. Granted, we have a one-on-one relationship with God, and that needs to be the primary focus. But it's meant to be lived in community.

And this is why the church is so important, because within the church is where this is meant to happen. And when people come to church and they don't find it for one reason or another, it can become very, very hurtful for them. And I've seen people leave church over and over again because they didn't feel that they could find that connection. I've had people say that in our church, in a church that has probably 750 regular attenders on a monthly basis. They don't all come on the same Sunday.

But we have to start asking ourselves the questions. If you're surrounded by 750 people, of all different types of people, I mean, you're all very different and unique, and you're like, hey, I just couldn't connect in that church. I just couldn't find something in that church. It might be time to do some self-reflection on what your expectations are of a friendship.

And are you putting people in the place of God to fulfill that? Because I will say, as we'll see in a moment, that a friend will never be able to fulfill all your needs. They can help you when you fall down. There's a reward for the toil. But when it comes to filling the deepest need, that can only be filled by God. Go to verse 12. So, and though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him. A threefold cord is not quickly broken. That threefold cord, you've heard that before. It's a really well-known verse.

And it shows that when you are putting yarn together or twine or you're trying to create this strength in a rope that whenever you see one, it's almost always three bands or more. You'll see this at weddings. I looked up wedding celebrations and ceremonies. Whether it be Native American, African tribal ritual, Celtic Christians, somebody getting married down here who's secular. The amount of wedding traditions in every single culture where they take bands and tie bands together and bond them together is universal in its appeal. When it comes to godly friendships, and I would say in your marriage, friendship has to be the basis of your marriage.

Friendship is the thing that ties you together. But the third cord, according to Christians, that third rope, according to this understanding, is God himself. And if God isn't one of the friends, the Bible talks a lot about being friends with God, and he calls us friends. He calls us, you know, sons and daughters, and that's awesome. But parents, isn't it great when your sons and daughters just aren't sons and daughters, but they choose to be your friend? I mean, that's one thing I've really wanted. I wanted to be able to have a friendship with my kids. Well, imagine when God isn't just because you're my kid, but I have chosen you and I've called you friends. He says that. And so as you reset for this year, like a ball being set, as you reset your relationships, your needs for relationships, and what you want out of relationships, the first place to start is, is God being woven into that? Is God being woven into your marriage or into your friendships with your guy friends, your girlfriends, your believing friends I'm talking about, in a way that creates the strength in that unity? And that is so important as we see that. So in the Christian faith, you see that it is, that friendship is sacred. I really want to say that again. We have a, even in the Christian church, to look at our relationships and our friendships kind of in like it's an episode of Friends, right? You know, and it's like, awesome, I'm going to go hang out with so-and-so, we're going to get a cup of coffee, we're going to play some pickleball, that won't be me, they'll be just, we'll be, we're going to go do it. And to miss that friendship, the friendships that are godly, that'll be fulfilling to you, not ultimately fulfilling, because they're not meant to be, are meant to have God as the apex and to be that third cord.

So if you have not seen your friendships as sacred, not a road to the sacred, but as sacred, I want to encourage you this year to begin to think that and maybe start interjecting that, because it's going to build your relationships, it's going to build the church. So the first one is that, that, and that God has to be the apex of all Christian relationships. I want to give a verse out of Colossians 3. It's in your notes, it might be in the, in, up on the screen. But with each other, but bear with each other, and forgive one another, if any one of you has agreements against someone.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you, and over all these virtues, put on love. That word for love there is agape. We're going to talk about agape, which binds them, that's that, look at that, it's that, it's that cord, it's the love, it's the love of God, which binds them all together in perfect unity. This is a powerful verse, and you want churches where people in the church are going after friendship with one another within the groups. Through the rough and the tumble, you, somebody told me this once, it was some of the best advice, wisdom I was given. You will not know if someone is a true friend until you go through conflict. And how you make it through conflict, and will the relationship. Now I'm not saying toxic conflict all the time, and you're just laying down, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a healthy amount of conflict where you disagree, and you can make it through, not because of dysfunctional need to be, you know, cared for, I can't be rejected, but because of the nature of the characteristics of God. Forgiveness, truth, hope, and so we see that in Colossians right there. The next thing is I want to move to love.

Because all friendship is rooted in love. It is rooted in some form of love. The Bible has four loves, at least the Greek term has four loves that it speaks about. And if there's a book, and I want to, if you can write this book down, it's really good. It's a quick listen on Audible. It's a C.S. Lewis book. It's called The Four Loves. And it's going to break down four Greek words that were in, you know, the common lingua franca of the day in Jesus' time, in Paul's time, that was used on a regular basis, that the first church understood all these. Now, the word eros is one of those words.

We'll talk about that. It is actually not a word that is actually in the Scripture, but people understood it. And C.S. Lewis breaks it down because it was in the mindset. Those four loves, according to Lewis, are these four loves. One is storge. One is philia, like philia-delphia, Philadelphia. One is agape, and the other is eros. Of those four words, only one in Scripture is commanded. Others are encouraged. They are celebrated. There's some framework for the word eros, even though the word eros, which is a sexual, physical love, is not mentioned in the Scripture.

There is framework for how to do that. So if you were to say that word within those Scriptures, you would understand it. Here's the four words. The first one is storge that he talks about. Storge is a natural familial love based on familiarity and proximity. This is Ted at the water cooler. This is Lisa at Trader Joe's. You're always talking to her. Storge is the love and affection you have for proximity. It's just the people that you hang out about. You're not called in the Scripture to storge. Storge happens, but we are called to agape within storge. Within all of these other, these words that I'm giving you, the agape word, that unconditional love, as we'll speak about, is meant to be in all of them. And so the first one is storge. And it's the ability to love the people that you're in proximity with. I think in our culture right now, we're losing a bit of storge.

I took my walk yesterday. I walked down to Bird Rock and back, did my little four-miler because I was grinding all week. And my phone said, you have under-trained this week. You know what I know my average steps were this week? Average? 2,336. That's like, I could have laid in bed all day and got more steps than that. It's horrible, right? I'm a bad person, right? And I was walking on the bike path and I said, I'm just going to say good morning to people, right? Exactly. I said good morning to people. Generally, like, if I'm on the bike path and it's just me and some woman walking, like, I know I'm intimidating and big. So I tend to pull out my phone, like, I'm just, you know, and I try to make myself as unintimidating as possible. And I won't, like, you know, hey, how you doing? Nice to meet you on the bike path. Like, I just want to be real sensitive. You know what I mean? You do your walk, you know, and the whole thing. But when it was appropriate, I'd say hi. I was like I jumped out at Scarefest, you know what I mean? At Knott's Berry Farm or whatever they call it. Like, it was, it was Scarefest. I know it's not called Scarefest. You can tell how much I go to Knott's Berry Farm.

I just, people are like, oh, oh, or they just ignore you. I know you heard me. I'm louder than your earbuds can be, right? Hey, how's it going? Hey, good morning, good morning. Only literally 50% of people said hello to me. And I, I get it, but there's other places I go in the world. Like, when I'm in Africa, when I'm in Malawi, hello, hello, hi, hello, you know what I mean? It was just like everywhere, there's a recognition that you're a human being, and I'm not just in my world. And so I believe that there has been a lack of storge. So one of the things I want to tell you is friendship oftentimes begins with storge. Storge is the bridge to Philadelphia. Philadelphia is the friendship we want. Storge is, is, is having that conversation with somebody. I want, I want you to re-engage storge. I put my blinker on at the top of UCSD where you like pull in and everyone cheats to jump in there. You know, when you're coming up past UCSD on La Jolla Boulevard, you're going to turn left by Allen Field there. And I want about five cars too many. I try not to like go to the front and pop in, even though sometimes I want to, and everybody does it, and everybody hates it, right? So I want about five cars, but it was still like 30. And I put my blinker on, and I thought I'm going to sit there, and I could have just gone in. Like, all right, you know how it is. I'm sorry. Oh, my bad.

But I put my blinker on for this young gentleman to know that I would like to attain a spot in front of him. And he hit the gas, and he started pointing his finger at me. I could have just done it. I could, I could have owned you, but I didn't. And I was like, thank you so much. I'm sorry. And so I went forward and put a blinker on, and somebody else let me in, and then I went way over and got in, and the whole thing. And I just realized in the past I haven't done that as well. And so I want to reset storge for you, because storge can change the world. These people that you're surrounded by.

The next word that you, and storge is in 1 Timothy 5.8, if that's not in your scriptures. But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially members of his household, he's denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. That probably wasn't the best verse to use. But what it's meant to do is that you're available to people to help, to serve them, and that's what that verse is meant to use for. The word philadelphia, our philia love, is a Greek word that is used in the Bible. And it's the friendship that we idealize in shows like friends. It's that deep connection. It is that person, and C.S. Lewis says when it comes to Philadelphia, friendship arises, Philadelphia arises out of mere companionship. That's your storge.

When two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight, some interest, even a taste which other people do not share, and which until that moment each believed to be his own unique treasure. Have you ever been walking with someone, and you start singing just off the B-sides of a Smith album, right? And then they join in, and you're like, wait, you know, you like the Smiths?

Oh, I like the Smiths. Johnny Marr? And all of a sudden you're talking about like guitar riffs, and then you're like, whoa! It's like synapses are happening. Whoa, the sun rises. Or you find that thing, that person, right? It's that person, that friend. I found that person in 1989 on a plane going from Brisbane, Australia to Bali. And I sat by this guy, and he was with his girlfriend, and he's ended up becoming my closest friend. He knew me. He knew Adam back in the day when Adam would dance on the bars in Bali, and this, they had all this crazy. He remembers all that. He knew me when, and we have a connection probably that I don't have with anyone else in the world besides my wife.

My wife has a deeper connection, obviously, in some things, but we just get each other. We're so different. You know that Philadelphia, right? Don't we all want that? That's what we want. The thing in Scripture is that's a gift. I think it's something to be prayed for, and it's something that I think God will fulfill within us if we continue to make God first and go for that. But it is not commanded in Scripture. It is encouraged. Philadelphia is not commanded.

And when we get it, it's something that has to be cherished, and it's something that has to be worked for. My problem with my closest friends is I tend to say, oh, I haven't talked to you for nine months. But whenever we talk, it's just like we just haven't, you know, it's just like it was just yesterday. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to value my friendships. As I get older, I realize that those friendships aren't going to be there forever. My closest friend, Brett, from Australia, him and I have decided every year we're going to meet up somewhere in the world.

We're going to take my vacation. I'm going to fly somewhere. We did it this year. When I went to Africa, he said, I'm coming to Africa. So he stayed with Phil and I when we went to the missions conference just to connect, it takes money. It takes calling them. It takes reaching out on your text. It takes being there. But I said of the five people that have been the longest people in my life that have been there 15 years or more and have known me, I'm going to invest, and I want to listen, and I want to be present. You might not get Philadelphia in your life. Some people don't.

It's not required by Scripture. But it is something you can pray for and something that you can live into. And I believe that if whatever we sow seeds into, God will bless. Are you sowing into that? The next word is agape. We are called to this. This is an unconditional, selfless love that seeks the good of others. We are called to have agape with everyone. With Ted at the water cooler, with your children, with your people in your church, with your head pastor, with the person who won't let you in at the top of La Jolla Boulevard, it is this deep desire to have an unconditional forgiveness. That doesn't mean it is unconsequential. When people wrong you, sometimes there are consequences.

Sometimes there is saying, a boundary, I need to pull away from this relationship for just a while because I was deeply hurt and I need to go sort it out. But I want to come back to it and I'm going to work through that. Unconditional does not mean unconsequential. It means there are consequences to our actions and our reactions. But it is continuing to move forward in the relationship that says, I want to be part of this. I want to believe beyond the pain. I want to believe beyond the despair. I want to believe and have hope for what God can make this because he is the apex of all that we do. And I want to have that with the people that have wronged you, with the people that have hurt you. And at the same time, understanding that sometimes there's a consequence that I need to break away from these relationships, which is something I did when I came to Christ. I called my friends and I said, I can't spend time with you anymore because all they want to do is go to Mexico.

And I knew that I couldn't spend any more time in Mexico if I wanted to survive. The final one is that eros. It is a romantic love, passionate, emotional. It's a physical love between married partners. In the Bible, it sets it up and shows that this type of eros needs to be based on originally storge. You met somebody in line. You started talking. I met my wife. I heard I was doing homework on my laptop and it was 1997 and early adapter to the laptop. And I heard some female voice say, I want to go be a lift operator, great ambitions, up in Mammoth. My friend was in charge of, that I went to college with, in charge of the ski patrol. So I looked up, saw my wife, didn't know she was my wife. And I said, hey, I happen to have a friend who does that.

And I handed her a business card, which she still laughs at today because she was 21 and I was 26 or whatever. And I was moving into like, I'm a cool business guy now. You know what I mean? So she said, you gave me a business card. Okay. But nonetheless, sealed the deal. You meet somebody like that, that's meant to go into a deep friendship. Married couples, you're meant to have Philadelphia with your spouse. If you don't have Philadelphia with your spouse, who understands me, who's willing to slow down, to wait for me, to build that in your relationship, I want to encourage you to begin to build it into your relationship. Find those things. You don't want to just be roommates.

I see people all the time, separate rooms, separate interests. If your wife's into horses, buy a horse. I don't care if you don't like horses. Get a horse. Show up. Buy some cowboy boots. Buy a big buckle. I don't care. If your husband likes to golf, maybe do, you know, one of the four vacations you take this year to the golf resort. You go to the spa, you know, a caddy for the guy.

I don't know. Like, that's how you do it. It doesn't have to be that extreme. But I'm saying relationships are built on storge, and then they're built on Philadelphia. And I got to say, if you don't have, if you're, this is what most Philadelphia does in relationships that I see. It goes like that. And then you just be committed to each other because you're living under a vow.

Under, like Joe always says, under compulsion. I don't want to be with a partner who's with me because of compulsion. I don't want a partner who's with me just because of a vow, because of the three courts. Maybe in certain times. There are times where you have to have that, right? Or we're not going to make it through. But I want to get back as soon as possible to where we are bros. Well, not so much bros, but friends. And we have this deep friendship. And then out of that, the agape comes in where, like, when you make those mistakes, the unconditional hope that that relationship will go to the next thing. And some of you, it's going to take five years to rebuild this or to rebuild it with your children, that Philadelphia, right? But in your relationships, if you just look at the beauty of storge to Philadelphia, from Philadelphia to agape, and agape with your partner in marriage that is bound together with God in the midst of that bond, which it says that he is, moving on to eros, you can see the beautiful hierarchy, the archetype of what God wants for godly relationships.

relationships. And that's why when people are just meeting people at a bar and stepping over, you know, the agape, because we never had a conflict, we're just going to get in bed together, or the Philadelphia, do I really even like this person? And they step right into that physical because it offers all that dopamine, it offers all that connection, that feeling that everything you always wanted that takes work to get, you can have now in the moment. And that's what Satan offers. But a relationship that is true and real has all those components. So we're coming in for a landing. Here's five qualities of a Philadelphian friend. One is they're loyal. Proverbs 17, 7, a friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Somebody who's an armor bearer.

Do you have someone that locks shields with you? That goes to battle with you? Loyalty. The next one is honesty. Philadelphian friends speak the truth, even when it's difficult to hear. Proverbs 27, 6, wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. I've had so many times where people have said something to me that are my closest friends, and it was wounding. But when I step back from the hurt, from the pain, from my brain being hijacked with all my stuff, and I listen to what they said, they were right. Wounds from a friend can be trusted.

I'm not talking about hacking your arm off. Wounds from a friend can be trusted. So they are honesty. So loyalty, honesty, challenge, and encouragement. Philadelphian friends, support your spiritual, emotional, and personal growth. It says in Proverbs 27, 17, iron sharpens iron as one man sharpens another. That's the wrong translation. We got in there accidentally. That verse actually doesn't say person. It says as one man sharpens another. It can be used for women as well, but iron sharpens iron. It is a person that is sharpening you in who you are and what you're doing. And the final one is selflessness. Philadelphian friends prioritize your well-being and is willing to sacrifice for you in an emotionally healthy way. John 15, 13, greater love hath no one than this to lay down their life for one's friends. Two practical takeaways.

This week, value your friendships enough to set aside an hour to go think about your friendships. Who are you friends with? Who do you want to continue to lean into? Who do you maybe need to set some of those boundaries with to assess your friendship needs and your expectations? And ask yourself, am I asking more of my spouse or my children or my friends than I should be asking because God should be the center of this? And then the final one is cultivate a wide and varied, healthy circle of friends. One of the ways you can do that is in small groups. Today, we have a small group out there. If you are looking for friends, right now my small group is on the text. We're with one of our people in our group and we're caring for them. We started early because we didn't want to wait for the launch and so I heard we went rogue, somebody said. Oh, your group went rogue and started early. Yeah, we love being together. It's awesome. And then there's also discipleship relationships. If you're looking for a one-on-one mentor, there's a red table out there and Diane Jemmet is going to be out there. You're looking for someone to grow in the faith with one-on-one through the Word of God.

Go to the red table. It's there. I'm going to invite Danny up if you guys and the band. If you guys would stand up, I want to bless you. Prayer team. Prayer team, I want to invite the prayer team up today. If you need prayer today, if you need to connect with Jesus, maybe you never have and you want to know Jesus for the first time ever and ask Jesus to be the Lord of your life, please come forward.

You'll know it in your heart if that calls upon your heart. If you need prayer today, come forward. We want to pray for you. We want to offer a hand of fellowship and prayer and encouragement to you. Please come forward if you need prayer. If you're in a dark and a difficult space. If you're looking for a connection, the churches that are the strongest in Scripture are the ones that are filled with friendship and agreement. So I encourage you to go sign up for a small group, be a part of it. And if you extend your hands, I want to bless you today. Lord Jesus, bless your people. Some of us are very lonely here. Some of us can be in a crowded stadium and still feel lonely. God, you want to work through that, God. But we work through that by looking at our own needs and where we put you. God, would you bless our church? May the sun shine upon the friendships in this church. Would you increase the Philadelphia love? Let the spirit of Philadelphia and agape flow into this church, into our marriages?

Would you restore the marriages? Would you restore the relationships with the children? Would you restore the relationships, God, with ourselves? God, as we look to you in these relationships, let us be a church of brotherly love and agape. We bless these people. We send them out now in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Prayer, small groups, pick your poison. They're out there. God bless you guys. We love you.

You are good. You're good. You're good. You're good. You're good.